Got It Goin’ Bossanova.

You’re welcome.

There comes a time in life when sacrifices must be made; a time when horsepower must be weighed against the number of available side curtain air bags; when the feel of hundreds of foot pounds of raw torque must be set aside in favor of integrated child booster seats …

I’ve made those sacrifices and the result is this:

Yes, I own a Volvo … My very own “brick”…

Let me just see if I can get a picture of it at a better angle.  Wait for it….

Doesn’t help, does it?

Well, at least it’s safe … so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

Seriously???

I am over all these dumb bread factories and their gianormous freakin’ sunglasses.  I’m convinced that the bigger the sunglasses, the more douche-tastic the wearer of said sunglasses actually is.

And now it’s like it is some type of competition because the glasses are getting bigger and bigger.  The douchebaggery quotient (DBQ) is through the roof with these idiots.  Is someone giving them positive feedback?

Or maybe they are just trying to hide the fug.  Some of these women, when they take their windshield-sized sunglasses off, look like the backside of my dangly parts.

Whatever the reason, the super-sized sunglasses are ridiculous. Knock it off.

From super contributor Karen:

I think I just got served (even though I don’t really know what that means.)  Retaliation is a biyotch, yo.

Loyalty is a forever thing, y’all

GiGB Senior Editor Joe has been named our employee of the week.  Going the extra mile to pimp the brand, Joe fashioned an old school prison tattoo gun using:

• a bic pen
• electrical tape
• a guitar string
• tooth brush (slightly used)
• a little battery-operated motor (straight outta his RadioShack ZipZap)
• pencil eraser

The bar’s been set pretty high.  We’re all looking forward to see who is going to step it up next.  Taint ink, anyone?

Hit us up on Twitter.

Need something to do with the kids this weekend?

Is “The Log” just not providing the hours of fun it used to….

Well then, look no further! From a country where 9 out of every 10 competitive activities likely began with two drunk guys, a well-stocked pub, and the age-old precursor of hilarity, “Ay, I’ve got 5 quid¹ that says you won’t (Insert Activity Here)”, comes “FERRET LEGGING”.

Here’s what you need to pick up from the store on the way home today: (2) ferrets, a.k.a. “fur-coated evil”, a good set of loose trousers (that’s “pants” for you non-British types), a snug belt, and (2) pieces of rope. That’s all you need for hours of fun, guaranteed!²

And here are the basic rules of the game:

1) According to Reg Mellor, current world-recorder holder, “no jockstraps allowed. No underpants … nothin’ whatsoever. … Little bah-stards have to able to move around inside there from ankle to ankle. The ferrets must have full mouth o’ teeth … No dope for you or the ferrets … You must be sober³, and the ferrets must be hungry.”

2) Secure the bottom of your trousers at your ankles with the rope.

3) Insert (2) ferrets into your trousers.

4) Cinch that belt tight.

5) Let the fun begin!

In case you’re wondering, the current record is 5 hours and 26 minutes.

Good Luck!

¹British slang for a pound sterling, which is equal to, ummmm, some amount of dollars.

²Legal Disclaimer: GiGB, its staff, our relatives, the kid I sat next to in third grade, cannot guarantee “hours of fun” and will not be held liable for any “damages” that may occur should you, the reader, actually place one or more ferrets inside your trousers. Before attempting, please watch the following video and keep in mind the following quote from Reg Mellor, the aforementioned world-record holder, “Why, I’ve had ‘em hangin’ from me tool for hours an’ hours an’ hours! Two at a time – one on each side.”

Watch This Before You Begin

³According to the I.A.O.D.W.H.A.P.F.I.T.T. (The International Association of Dudes Who Have Actually Put Ferrets In Their Trousers) sobriety is only required in officially sanctioned competition; you, however, may want to reference Joe’s Beer 101 posts and toss back a few recommended varieties prior to, during, and immediately following any practice sessions.

The rain here in NoVA is driving me nuckin’ futs.  I’m starting to realize why Seattle has the highest rate of suicides per capita in all of the US of A.

Whatever you clowns did to piss off the person in charge of the weather, just go ahead and apologize already.  I hate when my car is dirty.  Hate it.

Do you want an Angry Todd or a Happy Todd?

Answer: Happy Todd

"Tell me who sent you!!!"

Professional drunkard, Kiefer Sutherland, beat up a dude who makes dresses.  But he did it in defense of Brooke Shields.  Even though she’s like a foot and a half taller than he is.

When questioned by police regarding the incident, Sutherland responded, “I am working with the express authorization of the President!”

The bizarre interview continued when Sutherland put his hand to his ear and said, “Chloe, I need an immediate extraction.  I’ve been made.”

More details as they become available.

I’m fat and hungry and I smell like sh!t. And I also objectify women.

Uh oh.  I might be patient zero, ‘cuz none of these things are new phenomenons.

Hey baby. I wanna dig for truffles...in your pants!

See you tomorrow @ 4:30PM